February 4, 2024
Psalm 133
Introduction
I know it’s still ten days away, but next Sunday we are going to kick-off our annual WeekS of Compassion campaign, and the w eek after that is the first Sunday of Lent. But regardless of circumstance, being a little ahead of this matter isn’t a bad thing—especially for some husbands. Yes, I’m talking about Valentine’s Day—the day we celebrate love, those we love, and those who love us. It is the day we set aside to give our loved one’s flowers or candy or a night out or cards with sappy words we could never write ourselves. If you remember Valentine’s Day then, like the Psalmist said, “How very good and pleasant it is when kindred live together in unity.” But if you forget Valentine’s Day, then chances are you will have more of a Matthew 25:30 kind of day.
Valentine’s Day reminds us to express love and devotion to spouses, partners, children, friends. It’s a day to celebrate unity and being united with those we love. But what do we do when our unity is not so good and pleasant, and conflict clouds our love? Because in truth, no relationship, no family is perfect and without conflict. Every relationship, even good healthy ones, has conflict. Well, the truth is, conflict is not the problem. The problem is not knowing how to deal with, how to manage, conflict in relationships.
Our scripture for today guides us to ask an important question… If it is good and pleasant when families live together in unity, how can families live together in unity given the fact that conflict is inevitable?
Move 1
First, let’s consider what causes conflict. The Bible is not shy to say conflict is often caused by selfishness. For instance, the Letter of James states, “Do you know where your fights and arguments come from? They come from selfish desires that war within you.” James is reminding us, we want what we want.
Young married couples often experience conflict because they are not yet on the same page when it comes to what they expect from each other. He wants to spend Saturdays with his buddies, but she wants him to spend Saturdays with her. Parents often have conflict with their children because the parent’s dream for their child does not match the child’s dream for him/herself. Other family conflicts arise over differing opinions when it comes to money, in-laws, religion, how to raise children, how best to care for aging parents, shared responsibilities, just to name a few. But the granddaddy of all conflict is poor communication. What is said and what is heard are two different things.
Now, while no one likes it, there is nothing wrong with conflict. If used properly conflict can be a conduit to strengthening and deepening relationships. Arguments are nothing more than warning signs that something is wrong and needs attention. The ugly side of conflict comes in HOW we argue. Often arguments turn heated and combative and have zero component of love. Which is why arguments—especially within families and relationships— must be done in the context of a loving commitment.
We need to understand that all of us—at times—can really irk our loved ones by what we say or do, and our irking them will create conflict. But conflict can never dissolve into name-calling, shaming, demeaning attacks that dredge up dirt from the past; and certainly, cannot involve physical violence. Those who value their relationship cannot maliciously push the hot buttons they know will create guilt or hurt feelings in their parent, spouse, or child. If someone in your family comes away feeling like a loser, the relationship loses. There must be give and take, understanding, and most of all love from all parties if conflict is to ever be managed well and used to help strengthen our relationships.
Move 2
Next, let’s consider how conflict often occurs when we expect other people to meet needs only God can meet.
For a lot of us, we stood in front of a bunch of people and said, “I do.” But what we were really saying was, “I expect.” We weren’t thinking about what we intended to do and the promises we were going to keep. We were thinking, “All right! All my needs are going to be met now! This person is the answer to my prayers and is going to fulfill me—they are going to complete me.” But the truth is, we have forgotten, or maybe we never knew… there is no person in the world who could possibly meet all our needs. Only God can do that.
These same expectations can also be projected when a child is born and a parent immediately begins to have visions their child will fulfill all of the dreams they never achieved. My son is going to be the athlete I never was. My daughter will win the accolades I failed to win. But the truth is… no child can overcome the past for a parent. Only God can do that.
Failed expectations can be among the harshest and most disunifying conflicts we will encounter. Which is why in all conflict, especially those of failed expectations, we need to seek God’s help. Before we go to our partner or child or loved one, to talk about the struggle, we need to first go to God and ask, “How much of this conflict is my fault? How much of this conflict is about me?” We need to do an honest checkup and admit our part. Am I being unrealistic? Am I being insensitive? Am I being over-sensitive? Am I being too demanding? Am I being ungrateful? It is as Jesus said, “Why do you look at the speck in another’s eye and pay no attention to the log in your own eye? Take the log out of your own eye first and you’ll be able to see clearly.” Logs are expectations we have of others that we don’t demand from ourselves.
Move 3
Conflict within our loving relationships is hard, and hard to overcome. The rise in divorce is just one blatant sign of this truth. And it can all seem incredibly daunting. But there is hope.
Have you ever talked with couples who have celebrated their 50th or 60th wedding anniversaries, and asked them what the secret of their long marriage was? If you have, then you know the answers take on some version of “Don’t go to bed angry.”
Which is interesting because that wisdom sounds just like what the Apostle Paul said to the Ephesians when he wrote, “Do not let the sun go down on your anger.”
All of this leads to my favorite word when it comes to a lot of things, but especially relationships—a favorite word of my longtime mentor Jim Singleton who made it my favorite word: Intentional. Conflict does not resolve itself. It must be dealt with intentionally. That is, we must be deliberate when it comes to showing our love as we seek to bring about unity.
Paul, and those with decades of relationship success, all agree: Deal with today’s problems today. Or at least deal with them soon. Be intentional about seeking resolution. Be intentional about seeking out reconciliation. Don’t ignore the problem in the hopes it will just go away. Don’t pretend everything is fine when it’s not. Don’t smolder and fester and build up resentment only to have it eventually explode. Address your problems intentionally and lovingly, and the unity will come.
Move 4
In the film The Straight Story, Alvin Straight has been estranged from his brother Lyle for decades. Now in their seventies, Alvin learns his brother has suffered a stroke and may not recover. Consequently, Alvin resolves himself to finally make things right with Lyle while he still can. But there’s not just estrangement between them. Alvin’s brother lives two hundred and forty miles away in Wisconsin, while Alvin is stuck in Iowa with no car and no driver’s license. So he decides to make the long journey using his John Deere lawn mower.
After weeks of breakdowns and laborious traveling, Alvin finally reaches his destination, and brothers who have long-held grievances against one another finally lay their grudges aside and come together. But none of it would have happened had Alvin not wanted it so bad that he was willing to intentionally do whatever it took to cross the divide between them. Sometimes achieving unity is an arduous journey we have to want so much we’re willing to do even the absurd.
When we are intentional, we are unable to look just at our own viewpoint; we look at the other’s viewpoint too. Paul says in Philippians 2:4, “Look to each other’s interest and not merely your own.” It takes God to do that. We must pray God helps us want to cross a divide no matter what it takes. That usually means listening more than we talk. Which is not easy for many of us. But as Saint Francis of Assisi would pray: “Lord, let me not so much seek to be understood, as to under understand.” It is a good prayer to pray amid any conflict.
Conclusion
So, what is the goal of conflict? This may surprise you. It is not exclusively resolution. It is reconciliation and a deeper love.
Resolution means to resolve every issue by coming to agreement on everything—but that’s not going to always happen. Reconciliation, however, means to re-establish the relationship. Reconciliation means to be brought together and be unified more firmly because the shared love did not break.
We are not going to agree with everything, but we can disagree without being disagreeable. We can have reconciliation without resolution of every issue. And we can love even when it seems there is no reason to. Families that live in pleasant unity are families that know how to live with conflict and make it work for them rather than against them.
And would you believe Valentine’s Day rarely celebrates this kind of love. This kind of love—intentional love that seeks to understand, that seeks reconciliation, that seeks unity and deeper love—this kind of love is celebrated on wedding anniversaries, birthdays, and graduations, and even at funerals. But this love is also celebrated at times with a little more frequency. This kind of love is celebrated every Sunday when we give our praise and worship to the one who first gave us intentional love. Amen.
Pastoral Prayer, February 4, 2024
Gracious and loving God, you call us constantly into unity. Unity with you and your Holy Spirit, unity with one another, unity in your Church, unity with our neighbor. All because your Heavenly Kingdom will be a place of unity, not division. If our life on this earth is supposed to prepare us for the Kingdom of God, then we should be practicing unity, and not divisiveness.
So remind us Lord, remind us when there are differences between people, it is good and right to find where there is commonality, because so often two people have the same end goal in mind but just have a different idea of the means to get there—and that by coming together in collaboration instead of combativeness, goals can be achieved.
Remind us also that divisiveness and polarization are not part of your Kingdom. Then help us to see when others are striving to be polarizing and dividing people; help us to know when people are fake and only pretending to unite people, when really they have their own personal agenda.
Remind us again and again this disunity is not the way you want us to live, but rather you want us to be intentional to reach out to all your children with words of Good News, of grace, of mercy, of kindness and generosity; you want us to be intentional to reach out to all your children with hands of compassion and a desire to listen and understand.
Holy God, we know we can simply look around and find endless examples of how disconnecting is what sabotages all chances of living together in unity. Which is why we need you to cast a new vision—the one the Psalmist writes about—so that we may see, and then show, how the world can be changed when relationships are rooted in unity, respect, dignity, and most of all, love.
Hear now O God, the prayers from our hearts, as we lift them to you in this time of Holy Silence.
All this we pray in the one who unites us with you through grace and salvation, Jesus the Christ, who taught us to pray saying, “Our…”